Revelations keep coming about the more commonly occurring sexual abuse of children than anyone wants to know. This issues continues to surface as an in your face world-wide social problem. Those who are shocked and appalled and those who continue looking for ways to invalidate the courageous, who lived this experience, appear to be making judgments, laws and social decisions without truly understanding this lived experience. Many like me, who have experienced childhood sexual abuse, go quietly about their lives attracted to other wounded souls whom they can share love and care for when they haven't learned to do it for themselves. This ability to love and give to others is a disconnected wisdom of the spirit that lives inside but until integrated doesn't help the carrier. It also keeps us silent because of fear of rejection
by others whom are so easily able to voice their opinions about something they have no experience other than what they have learned from books and research. Research while helpful isn't even the tip of the iceberg of the thoughts and feelings that lie beneath needing an island of safety before they can come up and be expressed. Research gives us ideas about a certain group but not the individual lived experiences. So this article is not about generalizing to all. It is my story, my struggle to find my voice and give it words of expression to what I keep discovering that lies beneath my lifes' iceberg.
Other things happened during my childhood like physical abuse, emotional detachment, and multiple losses and moves. My iceberg is composed of so many issues that it is difficult to know what contributed to what. I survived the physical and sexual abuse. I have no physical scars of either. Most of my injuries were to my developing self trying to integrated and make sense of the confusing messages and experiences within a family that appeared to the world like leave it to beaver. We were involved in church, scouting, school activities and had friends. I think that is why I see life as both and rather than either or. We had it all. I also think that the confusing and unanswered questions not only contributed to my self-blame but also to my shame.
